“Vipiyem Za Lubov!" [Let’s Drink To Love!] -Sasha & Tatiana

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I spent many years of my life living with self-hate, feeling secretly ashamed for being Russian. When my older brother Denis was alive, I at least had him to relate to as an immigrant. But after he passed, the connection to my Russian American immigrant experience was lost. I largely viewed being Russian through the lens of my relationship with my parents, which became somewhat strained and filled with silent disconnection. Our cultural differences have widened over the years since my brother’s passing. And while searching for identity, Hollywood showed me that being Russian meant that you’re either a spy, a mobster, or a terrorist. The classic Ivan Drago archetype from Rocky drilled harmful stereotypes into my brain about my culture. Watching that film, I kept thinking: “That’s not who I am. That’s not my experience.” 

Becoming a father was my wake-up call. My son Julian is of mixed race, part Russian-Ukranian-Jewish, and part Filipino-Spanish-Pacific Islander. I'm thankful that my wife and creative counterpart, Jennifer, makes sure that Julian is connected to his Filipino and Filipino-American communities. But when it comes to my side, I struggle with what I can pass on to him from my Russian-Ukrainian-Jewish culture. I just don’t feel a genuine connection to it. I began reflecting on this fact, given the current war between Russia and Ukraine, which has left me torn. I'm a Ukrainian-born Russian-American. I was born in Yalta, Crimea, which back then was part of Ukraine and now is a part of Russia. I’ve always identified as Russian. But I am both. 

No matter how I spin it, this war is so heartbreaking to witness. And I don’t want to be one of the hundreds of thousands of Russian-Ukrainian families who have stopped talking to each other because of this war. Through growth and time, I realized that with my big bro Denis gone, my main responsibility to my parents is to be their son first, and meet them where they are, even if we disagree.

This project has also allowed me to combine my two passions: music and sports. And I have a particular affinity for the NY Jets. As a child, my early core memories involved watching the NY Jets. They were the first NFL team I saw when I came to this country. By connecting with my journey as a Russian immigrant kid and dealing with personal unexpressed grief, I hope to connect with others who struggle with their identity. I chose to use my birth name, “Tolik” (Anatoliy), to name the protagonist character because of the disconnection I feel from that “Tolik” (Anatoliy) since my brother passed. He may as well be a character I don’t know. I hope that in writing the story, my son Julian can be proud to be a Russian-American just as he’s proud to be Filipino-American.

I hope to reclaim “Tolik” as my own.